March 19 2007

I have just finished Book II of Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov. Somehow, it has led me to the realization that my mind has two modes. I am good, and I, and the same time, am not good. But how can this be? the Principle of Non-Contradiction states that nothing can be X and not X. So what am I to think of myself? One of these must be denounced.. but which? Generally this problem is solved by stripping the outer shells and finding the core, the essence of the object or agent. At the base of man, I believe a nonphysical body is found. What is this soul of mine? God loving or malicious? I have, certainly, an intense love of money, women, cars and certain substances. Yet these are fleeting, changing, and not conducive of a God-loving soul. My worldly existence is currently built upon these. Therefore, I am ungood. And yet I cannot deny the power of resistance I feel at times toward these malicious things. In times of deep reverie, I desire to love God, to do Good to all things and to be Good in the eyes of God. This, I feel, is the primary action of my soul.

Do I want Good for the sake of Good? Do I feel better when I do Good because I have done Good or because I won't regret my actions? Refraining from a malicious action is not Good, though it is worthy of moral esteem. I don't know, I can only hope the answers will come.