No Sleep

Six nights a week I lie awake. I lie awake and... think, search, feel? What do I do? I look at myself, I look at this system of reactions we call the world, I look at you. What my previous searches have found have left me believing that if I am to be happy, then I must be happy. There will be no certificate in the mail announcing the arrival of happiness to all the boys and girls. Problem is, I fear most adults await this letter... like Grandma Death from Donnie Darko... but, I digress. I feel as if I am what would be called a Happy person. Embarrassment rarely finds my cheeks, I am delighted to feel a pen in my hand, or a tree at my window. Even truly Troubling thoughts and memories are dealt with. Yet, I have found something tonight.

As my roommate and I were falling asleep, me with my usual ritual of shifting, squirming, and sighing, I proclaimed that this is a very strange world we perceive, this constant flow of change, this system of interactions and relations among atoms, and groups of atoms. He told me he does not think the world changes at all, where, as you can see from the URL of this blog, I feel that life is change. He feels that because each generation repeats the mistakes of its fathers and mothers, life is repetitive. I told him that could just as easily, if not more easily, be a repeating system, an algorithm some greater being finds amusing. I dropped the subject and decided to keep my thoughts to myself (yet, here I am blogging... oh what a world!).

I recall a scene in Richard Kelley's Donnie Darko when Donnie asks his physics professor (Monnitoff) about time travel. Donnie thought that if we could travel forward in time, we could see our own futures. Monnitoff felt that if we are presented with a visual manifestation of our own futures, we would be given the option of betraying this future, thus making the time traveling, seeing of one's own future, pointless, fruitless, and Wrong. Donnie's reply: "Not if we travel within God's channel." I understood this statement over the summer I think it was... seemed relevant to this post at the time.

I, for a long time, believed the base of myself, of my identity and interactions with the world, to be the pure, white energy of happiness. Feel free to think of it as God. Tonight, as I was tossing and kicking and grunting, I found this to be false. How many cores am I of? If inside this Happiness, this white beautiful energy is a deep searching despair, am I doomed to this wandering search for substance, essence, cultivation forever? Do I believe in forever? Is this vagrant despair perhaps a shield, a shell encasing the true essence of man, the fiber from which we all are composed, with every strand of our being trying to penetrate this despair?

Doesn't matter. I am to pierce the black onyx shell of despair. I am to reach bliss, the place deeper inside myself and us all than even the collective unconscious mind can fathom. I have, though, a theory- a hypothesis really, as to the contents of this shell.

There is nothing. There is only the unswerving bliss of the Sublime.